I've thought about writing this post for a long time and wasn't sure if I'd
share, it's a very personal journey but if I think it's a nice story to tell and possibly help someone else who's looking down the barrel of the IVF gun or currently on their journey.
So make yourself a cuppa it's a long one :)
My journey and I say mine because it is mine not ours, it’s my experience
from my eyes not my husbands. This is how I felt and what went through my mind
and heart at the time. And he was rhere and was so supportive and we did this together. But I can only say how it was for me.
My journey started out in 2010, we decided to
start trying for a baby. And the heart ache might I add is instant really. You think every
month will be the month and when it’s not you really feel it. It’s a horrible
feeling. My close friends had kids and other friends in my circle where
pregnant or mammies. In fact it felt like then entire world were pregnant and
having kids. And in the first few months I could smile and be happy for them
but as time wore on the smile remained but resentment inside grew along with sadness.
They recommend that you wait a year (who ever they are!) before you seek medical advice. After a year had passed of us trying we went to our GP. I went to my GP armed
with as much information as I possibly could, so I knew what I needed to ask her
to organise for me. She was great and a real support to me right through the
entire experience, something that's really important for this journey. You will need it.
Armed with the information I had mainly gathered from the internet, places like rollercoaster and boards I asked her to send me on for a multitude
of tests and a sperm test for my husband. I'd bought a fertility monitor and let’s
face it, the trying had become more of a military operation than anything fun
or exciting. Stress was taking over and it was a chore. That happens to a lot
of couples, it's hard for it not to.
I had my AMH levels checked and all the usual bloods done. I can’t remember
the exact figure now of my AMH but it was on the low side but not in the really
low side. I went on to have a HGC x-ray to check my tubes, all was ok
with me so far. My hubby had some issues with his swimmers, he was cycling a
lot, going to the gym, using the sauna and steam room, laptops on his lap etc.
None of which are good for the swimmers. But after a couple of months on a
healthier diet, lifestyle change the swimmers were even better than normal.
Happy days! And to be honest I felt at the time that if the issues were with me I could cope better, I think that's more to do with the control freak in me!
But more months passed and nothing happened. At this point I was so
deflated. I'd be all aw I'm ok, it will happen. I'll be a mammy. People would
constantly ask so when you having kids.....I'd joke and laugh and make comments
like "oh I'm enjoying my fancy holidays way too much for kids" inside
I was dying. I'd cry a lot. But always put my best foot forward.
I didn't
want IVF who does? I thought about adoption, but I really wanted my own baby.
Adoption was something that would take years and I wanted this baby yesterday! My sister became pregnant during this time too and although I was sooo sooo happy and soooo excited for her, her news was like a stab in the heart. When my Nephew was born he was the little dose of happiness my family needed. He brought the happy back. But it didn't last long. I yearend for a baby of my own. My heart ached. It was starting to get really tough emotionally.
I went to see a gynaecologist at the end of 2011 and had a laparoscopy and
D&C done in January 2012. Everything seemed normal, he did comment that my
cervix was "tight" and that he dilated it. But still nothing was
happening. At this stage I was so down. My life was a sea of fertility gels,
fertility tests, timed sex and misery. Honest to god misery.
My mam passed away in 2001, I really needed her now. For her to tell me I
would be ok, you know no matter how old you are you are never too old for a hug
from your mammy! She would tell me it would all work out and I would believe
her.
I was determined to become a mammy.
I said before that for some reason I wasn't happy to do IVF. Maybe because I
felt like a failure, getting pregnant was something I avoided for so much of my
life and something I thought would be so easy, how wrong was I? Late 2012 we
attended the HARI unit in the Rotunda Hospital for our introductory meeting. I
was shocked by the number of people there and the age ranges. It wasn't all
older couples there was a total range of ages there.
So 2013 we started with our ivf cycle. One thing this entire
process I learned, you are not in control of anything, nothing is in your
control, nothing. It’s the biggest waiting game of your life. It was
a rollercoaster of emotions when we started. Joy, elation, fear..... The list
was endless. But it was a really positive step too. We were hopefully on the
road to becoming parents. We had to attend a counselling session too before we
started. I was given my prescription and instructions and the process started (I
can do another journal post if people wanted it as I kept a journal during the
process). I was monitored throughout, all dignity is left at the door ha
ha. I was still going to work etc. during this time. A thing I changed for the
next cycle.
Now for the bit I wasn't expecting, you expect that it won’t work, that
you don't end up pregnant. But what I never prepared myself for was a cancelled
cycle. I didn't have enough eggs for them to collect. I had 3! I was so upset.
It literally took the wind out of my sails. I sobbed. They offered for us to do
IUI but I thought it was a bit of a waste of our money so we were told to go
home and try naturally. Devastated. I really needed my mam. I was being so
strong and brave on the outside but really inside I was starting to break.
We gathered ourselves again and in the June the process began again. This
time I changed the times I took the medication to suit me and my schedules.
They upped the drugs and things were going really well, until the opposite,
overstimulation. I was producing too many eggs. Bloody great! More obstacles!
How much more stress can I take. This time round I stayed off work, I rested.
And now again, I faced not being able to continue AGAIN. I was monitored
closely. Overstimulation can be dangerous. Not what you want. But my Mam was
watching over me, I truly believe that. It levelled out, we were back on track.
Egg retrieval day arrived. I was so scared. They told me I would be sedated.
I wasn't sure how that would go. Would I be awake, in pain??? Turns out I
was basically knocked out, all I remember was the consultant telling me that he
had got 21 eggs! Twenty bloody one!!!! So so happy. We had a huge chance. We
would make it eventually, if not this cycle, we would have another one.
Because we had so many eggs, we were going to do a day 5 transfer instead of
a day 3 transfer. Basically a day 5 transfer has a better chance of implanting
than a day 3 transfer but the risk of more embryos dying during the process is
higher.
18 eggs fertilized and 10 made it to day 5. The clinic calls you to let you
know how they are all doing kind of cute, kind of terrifying. The strongest
embryo is selected to transfer. I'll never forget the day. It was a beautiful
sunny day, Gay Pride was on. Everyone around were in great form. It was a
wonderful day for what was about to happen.
You need to have a full bladder for the transfer which is so uncomfortable.
And you didn't think this would be plain sailing now did you??? This is me!
Course not. They couldn't get the catheter into my womb. Cue panic. Crap!. We
are at the finish line.....Don't do this to me!! I was asked to go empty
my bladder a small bit, maybe it was compressing something. Eh how do you when
you are busting empty a small bit? It’s amazing what you can do when you put
our mind to it.
Back in to the procedure room. And by the way it’s all very official. You
are asked your name and date of birth a lot. You get to watch it all
unfold on the screen. I'm still panicking at this stage. What happens if they can’t
get this embryo in? A question to this day I still don't know the answer
to. And it’s really horrible too, our uterus is cramping the entire time.
Success at last, it was in. And now the waiting begins.
They advise you not to test until the day they say, this is to rule out any
false positives. The wait is awful. You imagine all sorts of pregnancy symptoms,
you feel like it’s not working. It’s a complete mind game. Your emotions are
all over the place. You fear happiness. You feel like it’s all too good to be
true.
You want to test but at the same time you don't want it to be over. You fear
the answer.
Then you test, you think you are imagining the second line. Is it there or
is it in your mind. We were extremely lucky, we got the two lines.
I was pregnant. Finally pregnant. I cried like a baby!!! The emotions that I
felt. Elated! Almost sorry that I didn't start this process long before.
Worried that it wasn't true. Worried about what could still go wrong. Noting is
a given. You are still not in control, never once in this entire process are
you in control.
Pregnancy is a gift not all women get to experience and I will tell you now,
I enjoyed every second my baby was in my belly.
40 weeks later, we welcomed our beautiful baby Girl Lauren. Our blessing! It was a day of so many emotions, relief she was here, she was perfect, she was mine. Sadness that I couldn't share this with my mam, but so thankful that myself and my husband made it.
The struggle to get her was hard, although it sound so hard and so much to deal with, it not a process I would ever hesitate to
do a million times over if I had to.
And the icing on the cake??? Her baby sister Ellie joined us almost
exactly 2 years later completely by surprise not one bit planned!!! She
completed me and my journey to be a Mammy. The love I have for these girls is
so strong. I sometimes think the word love isn't enough. And let me tell you
the shock on my face when I done that pregnancy test was hilarious. To go from
planning every intimate encounter to just becoming pregnant without a second
thought is amazing! I'm so lucky. We are so lucky.
If you are going through the process and want a chat get in touch. I'm not
an expert but I have been there and had a positive experience and hopefully can
just be a new set of ears to listen. My email is lipglossandslippers@gmail.com
Stay strong life has a funny way of working itself out in the end.
Lots of love
Donna
XXX
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